Nonsense in motion. Absolutely beautiful nothing. Where Twilight was a guilty bit of entertainment, The Twilight Saga: New Moon is a cluster of plot neglection and the seeking of adrenalin in the face of grief. People do mad things when mourning, although taking brief motorcycle rides and then a subsequent interest in visions of a lost lover are not usual. Edward apparitions, gruesome adaptations of post-pop emo bands that the first revered and the second moves toward with emotionless intent, the dip in quality that follows can be pegged to the changes behind the scenes, rather than in front of the camera. A shift in quality implies there was some left on the first feature that does not come from the laughable and vaguely enjoyable pre-2010s run of form franchise features had.
But that sloppiness, strange displays and the time capsule appeal those nostalgic streets now hold are integral to the success of The Twilight Saga. With Belle sat in the window, soppy tracks playing over the top of it shows who Twilight: New Moon appeals to. Wannabe main characters who are living out their fantasies through the screen. Enjoyment of loving it and laughing at it. Both are unified here in an uncomfortable marriage of concepts, plodding storylines and some disastrous consequences that hope to be overlooked as the love triangle grows. The Twilight Saga: New Moon attempts to establish the Taylor Lautner side of the woes and worries as they build bikes and wobble through some atrocious dialogue. Stick some Lou Reed over the top of that and this is a different film. A better film? Maybe.
That is the real kick to this piece, an absolutely agonising, poor level of quality to the work within and how nobody appears to be questioning it. Kristen Stewart and Lautner have as much chemistry together as dogs and wannabe vampires have in common in the real world. Horrific editing and choppy decisions from Chris Weitz try to bring out touching dramatics with soppy piano keys and moments of banal intimacy between characters who just previously were whipping pizza and spanners at one another. Teenage angst like that was fine in the first feature where its setting and prom experience was frequent, but New Moon has terrible trickery and some surprisingly nice costumes to it. Robert Pattinson and Michael Sheen in those latter stages enjoy the European feel of the setting, but it all falls in miserable portions.
Adapting a little closer to what was expected from Stephanie Meyer, the iron fist of safer storytelling is a lifeless interpretation of fan fiction. The Twilight Saga was never going to move on much further than comical moments that have little grip or memorability to them, but the convoluted telling of vampirism and werewolves is a punishment to endure. Two hours of absolute madness backed by soundtracks that are as dated now as they were then. Horrendous supporting characters are the deathly blow to this one though, switching out the Cullen family for a new, uninteresting and poorly pieced-together tribe of wolves. It is the performance that matters most, and despite the flatlining material, much more could have been done to salvage the Twilight sequel.
